Nearly two years after the last post and finally the covetable Buzzfeed mention! Alexander Hamilton can rest soundly in his phallic-shaped tomb tonight...

So for this better-late-than-never boner I thought I'd take some inspiration from another Buzzfeed post, aptly named "FDR's Son Was a Hottie." And fret not: you can expect the combination of the same lame graphics and jokes with some hot-ass bros coming your way again on a (hopefully) regular basis. The BDiH res-ERECTION is upon us!

HISTORIC BONER NO. 23 Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Jr., American lawyer and politician (and son of FDR)

The Evidence:

Because I'm totally obsessed with Trading Places and the injustice that was committed when I was not christened "Blanche" or "Muffy" (OBVIOUSLY), let us pause for a second and focus on the concept of a "social register." According to Wiki, my trusted friend, the first American manifestation of this directory of the social elite appeared in Cleveland (of all places) and was advertised as a "Ladies Visiting List and Shopping Guide." A shopping guide for eligible young bachelors, perhaps? Funny also that the term "blue book" applies to both these registers and to the reference book for car prices... Anyway, the Roosevelts have a history of being omitted from the New York Social Register--the preeminent social directory in the 20th century--as FDR, Jr.'s older brother, Elliot, was given the boot in 1935 for some salacious (or not) reason or other. Acts of social suicide that "warranted" omission from the Register's volumes included divorce, taking a spouse from "outside the circle," and pursuing a career in the theatre. Double hex then on Charles Black (whose father was the president of Pacific Gas and Electric Company) for marrying Shirley Temple, a divorcée and (duh) former child star.

And once more, for emphasis. You're welcome.

Next Time: Send me your suggestions!

My apologies, friends. Work has been all-consuming, as have been my post-work naps. But thanks be to Milo for providing the steely-eyed fodder that inspired the completion of another post.

HISTORIC BONER NO. 22 Sir Henry Wellcome, American-British pharmaceutical entrepreneur

The Evidence:

It should come as no surprise (to me) that following some actual research—beyond my ever-so-thorough aesthetic analyses of portraits—I found Sir Wellcome to be rather unattractive in character. The man and his life were a series of contradictions: a trained pharmacist who made his fortune from the packaging of drugs rather than from their effectiveness; a “devoted” father who temporarily abandoned his son at the age of three because he was “sickly;” a fundamentalist Christian with some freaky preferences in the bedroom (though--perhaps--that should come as no surprise). Case in point: Henry’s habit of (allegedly) beating his wife with a cattle whip, even when she was with child. And the fact that he once employed a labor force of 3,000 to dig up (and, essentially, loot) artifacts from Sudan for the build-up of his personal collection, perhaps resulting from an inferiority complex derived from his, well, inferior beginnings. BUT I was too far along in my "process" to abandon the subject (read: I had finished reading his Wiki page), and if I’ve included Stalin here, well then I can’t deny the man who founded the richest charity in the United Kingdom. And then there’s that whole HIV/AIDS treatment thing. So, you know.

FYI, a few of these Sir Henry Wellcome Postdoctoral Fellows are quite easy on the eyes, as well. If only I were intelligent, I could infiltrate the system and find myself a hot researcher boyfriend. Because that's the only reason to pursue a postdoc. Obviously. Welcome to my logic.

And can you believe I went the whole entry without even mentioning this mustache?

Next Time: A Welsh sailor

See, I'm not a total liar (this time). We be making this jawn weekly. I'd also like to give a shoutout to Luisa for providing the visual fodder for this week's speci(wo)men. And though I said she was going to be an archaeologist, like a dickweed asshole I dropped that piece for someone hotter, because I'm superficial like that. And I pretend to know my (critical?) straight male audience, if it even exists.

BANGABLE DAME NO. 3 Teresa Wilms Montt, Chilean poet

The Evidence:

So......we all might have to take the facts I've collected with a grain of salt, as Google provided some rather poorly translated biographies and I (very practically) took German in high school. Tut mir leid. What I could determine was that Teresa was born into a prominent Chilean family, but abandoned the life of the bourgeoisie for a pursuit of anarchism, feminism, Freemasonry, and poetry. Her husband caught her cheating on him...with his cousin. So he threw her in that convent, even though he was a gambling, alcoholic twat. And following her Midnight Express-like escape (I don't know, I'm just making that up), Teresa was mistaken for a German spy whilst trying to join the Red Cross as a nurse during WWI. Though she was able to publish frequently enough, it was probably her unhappiness stemming from the limited visitations she had with her two daughters and her depression that caused Teresa to commit suicide at the age of 28. Her life demonstrates the limitations of even an educated woman at the turn of the last century. As does the epic of Rose DeWitt Bukater. Totally fair and historically correct comparison.

I can't forget to mention that Teresa was allegedly bumping uglies with this stud. You get it, girl.

Oh, and that Cheetah Girl thing is supposed to say "embrace the reference," but Daytum can be so difficult to work with/my process of creating and editing infographics is so ghet-to.

Next Time: An American-British entrepreneur

I'm starting a Twitter account because some people told me I should. I'm also starting a Facebook page even though I hate Mark Zuckerberg in light of Jesse Eisenberg's (obviously) infallible portrayal of him in the Social Network. I swore never again to join Facebook when I deleted my personal account in 2005, but that just proves how weak my personal convictions are.

With this, I pledge to update more often. I also pledge to tweet regularly about my favorite "articles" from the Daily Mail and Dlisted. Except all stories relating to the Kardashian wedding, because that dude is fugly and I'm over it already. Been over that shit since the OJ trial/before that bitch was born.

All of the credit for this handsome find goes to Levina. And look, guys, the list has passed 20! After months of dragging my feet, this bitch is finally legal.

HISTORIC BONER NO. 21 Vivien Thomas, pioneer of cardiac surgery

The Evidence:

Look, they're stethoscope twins!

You gotta give it to Thomas for putting up with all the shit he did in his career amidst the racism of 1940's America. I suppose it didn't help that he worked both in Nashville and Baltimore, but then again my only points of reference for the latter come from a childhood visit to the Baltimore Aquarium and from watching the Wire (Omar don't scare.). I digress. In short, Thomas perfected the surgical procedure performed on patients with blue baby syndrome, but wasn't given credit for his part in this or his role guiding the surgeons during the surgery (he wasn't allowed to operate as he had only a high school diploma, due to financial complications during the Great Depression). And after training countless surgeons at Johns Hopkins, all the University could do was award him an Honorary Doctor of Laws. Because lawyers perform surgery.

I wonder what I could do with a Master's degree in museum education... Maybe they'd let me perform minor surgeries, or let me get all up in there like this dude (though I'd rather pursue my dream of becoming a urologist...). Or at least allow me to stalk the halls for hot, young, available interns...

Next Time: An English archaeologist (a layday)

Hello, strangers! I was watching The Dreamers again last weekend (totally relevant) and was reminded in the great Matthew-Theo-slapstick-comedy debate of Buster Keaton. And then I stumbled across this Tumblr, inundated with the actor's boyish good looks. Clearly I don't watch enough early film, as I ask myself how this dude's face could have eluded my long-term memory for as long as it did. And so:

HISTORIC BONER NO. 20 Buster Keaton, American slapstick actor/director/writer/producer

The Evidence:

Here, I'll do you that last favor.

Another few interested facts, garnered from Wikipedia (as always): dubbing apparently was not always en mode with film. With Keaton's early talkies in particular, he and his fellow actors would perform the script in separate takes in three languages (English, Spanish, and French or German), memorizing the lines phonetically. Random fact number two: as Buster performed all of his own stunts before signing with MGM, he actually broke his neck during the filming of one movie, but didn't realize it until years later. How the hell is that possible. I'm not even putting a question mark on that, because I just don't believe it and, in turn, am making a declarative statement.

Next Time: Mum's the word for now, but I will say that there have been too many white dudes on this blog...

Call me biased—and you’d be correct—but I have a problem with adding Lincoln’s assassin to this list. Indeed, in his place one will find mass murderers, colluding colleagues, and some of the worst kinds of racists (those with a pedestal), but I’ve bought into the infallible Lincoln lore and cannot bring myself to post John Wilkes Booth, no matter how handsome he was. So imagine how pleased I was to find—while finally reading Sarah Vowell’s Assassination Vacation (the last pie-chart fact I attribute to her research)—that John had a brother who could be deemed a winner. Thus, a compromise:

HISTORIC BONER NO. 19 Edwin Booth, American stage actor

The Evidence:

I just feel bad for Edwin, losing his first (and then second) wife, having to publicly deal with the brotherly association that caused him to momentarily abandon his career. But if that does nothing for you, maybe this will melt your heart a bit.

Next Time: ???